Botched Suicide

Had a session with Dr. Despinos again today. In regards to a... Failed suicide attempt. I had to get my stomach pumped due to downing a bottle of sleeping pills. We discussed what happened in that... Place. I called it a nightmare, obviously. But I gotta confess, I left something out in the last post. A big part. For me, maybe the most important part of all, for my entire life.

How does He know these things? This isn't... It wasn't something I talk about. I thought I had already said enough, but the truth is... Until the day I die, nothing I say or do will ever make it go away, or change what was done. What I did. Seeing that blood slowly flowing down the creek... Seeing my old car again, wrapped around that tree. Seeing that... Mutilated husk, sitting in that seat, shredded by glass, metal and bark. It was the same as it was in my nightmares, exactly how I remember him from that night... And then there was that tree. That creek carried his blood deep into its maw, feeding an atrocity. A godless creation that sprouted from the deepest depths of the furthest reaches of madness and evil themselves, with its weeping face oozing the blood of its rotting "fruits" dangling lifelessly from its leafless limbs.

One day, I know, I will join them there.

But it won't be now. I will not die now, I will not die alone, and I will be the last of us to die young, if it comes to that. I swear it on Alec's grave.  

Uncertain

Classes are delayed still, in light of an on-going investigation. No one is talking about it, but I get the feeling they might have found another body, or bodies. Both Carlos and Kruger are now very, very late. This isn't good at all. I have lots of questions now, and shit is still fucking weird. Alright... Daily occurrences.

I've been drawing shit again. It feels good... I dunno... Calming I guess is the best way to describe it. I had an appointment with Dr. Despinos, but I didn't tell him about... Well, I mean, he didn't even see, or seem to notice, when Slender Man was visible outside the window. You know what's really starting to bug me about him? He won't fucking do anything. I know that's supposed to be his thing, right? Just standing there looking at you while you are looking at him, but he isn't... Stuck there. He isn't some kind of Weeping Angel thing from that Dr Who show. But he doesn't seem to like doing his teleporting shit when you look at him, right? Help me out here Gray, or anyone else that might stumble across this. Him standing there doing nothing is part of his rules right? It isn't just a series of flukes or coincidences? Anyway... Despinos seemed concerned about me, and why wouldn't he? I know I'm a wreck right now. Too little sleep, sporadic bouts of sickness, in addition to my little art projects, which aren't the cheeriest images I've ever seen.

While I was talking to him, I ended up reminding myself of that blood work that was supposed to be done last month... So I called, and they denied that I ever came in for a check-up that day, or that any blood work was taken or sent off. So I called Judge, just to see if that wasn't me going... Fucking crazy or something. He confirmed it and is trying to find out what the hell is going on, but that is the extent of what I am dragging him into here. If this Slender Man starts killing people who know about him, then I want to make sure nobody else finds out, if I can help it.

Something that Gray said in the comments of the previous post has been sticking with me. Can't run forever. He's right... Uh... You are a "he" right, Gray? Sorry, I... Can't really tell. You don't have a blog or anything that I can see. So what can I do to fight? Options are kind of limited here, and I can't really count on much help. Maybe I can't count on any help... The blog hijacker guy who apparently isn't named Morningstar told me that "I shall bear witness" and that I will be the last. I take it that I am being targeted after the others. So... Probably going to have to accept the fact that... I might be the only one left right now. I need a plan, I've needed a plan for a while. But what can I do?  

Home

Back home again. Still no snow. Probably won't be any snow on Christmas either. Someday... I will have a white Christmas. It probably won't be nearly as magical as I think it'll be, but it has always been something I wanted to see. Just no friggen point in having a winter without snow. The dead trees outside are depressing as hell. It is quiet though, out there, and that is something some people find enjoyable, I guess. The woods are never as quiet as they are during winter. I know people find it to be peaceful, serene and wonderful to be alone with nothing but the music of their own thoughts. To me, though, it just seems like I'm walking through a graveyard, and my thoughts become anything but peaceful and quiet.

Mom and Dad heard what happened at the college. They asked me about it, but... It looked pretty obvious that they only bothered because that is what parents should do. It isn't like they really knew what to say, after all. But that's the way with them. Anything goes wrong and all they can respond with is a simple "That sucks" and move on. They have never had any solutions to a problem, and don't seem to have ever even considered actively trying to comfort me. Despinos told me... That I probably crave the comfort and attention that they never gave me. I guess that makes sense, but I look around and see so many others that resent the attention their parents give them. Call it "Smothering." So am I really missing all that much?

Judge came by as well. Obviously he found out about the death, and was checking on me. I'm fine. I'm just fine. He didn't press the subject either, which I am thankful for. Pointless to talk about it at this point. Besides, I don't want to make him worry. He has other things he could be focusing on, much more important than my problems. I'm fine.

More Therapy

Therapy with Dr. Despinos today. I mentioned my earlier fuck up, and he tried to convince me that I don't need to be perfect in everything I do. He's right, yeah... But I need to try. Need to keep the bar set high, because I can't afford to slip anymore. When I fuck up, I fuck up bad.... That much is clear. So I can't let myself do this friggen bad. I owe it to Judge, I owe it to Mom and Dad, despite everything, I owe it Carlos, I owe it to... And I owe it to myself.

He also recommended that I make an effort to stop doodling Slender Man pictures, because I seem to be in a bad place again. Dark and disturbing shit probably isn't good for me at this point in time. It makes sense, it really does. I'm gonna try. Yeah, I will.

Its just... For some reason it feels so good to do all that doodling. Its like it... Calms me down a lot. Helps me focus a lot... I mean... Notes were only part of the problem. If I had been getting more sleep, I would have been fine.

Stress

Uneventful few days this time. Feeling a hell of a lot better now, no sore bones and muscles. Even better, Thanksgiving break is getting really close. Of course that is also the bad news in a sense. I really don't want to deal with Mom and Dad right now.... Just felt on edge all week. Guess its something warning me about this Thanksgiving... Just the worst kind of gut feeling.

Something weird. I have been doodling a lot of pictures of The Operator, or The Slender Man I guess. Just these weird little doodles and Operator Symbols and just... Slender Man stick figures. Gonna call him Slender Man. "The Operator" just isn't as catchy. I guess watching MarbleHornets left more of an impression on me than I thought. I'm just doodling them at random, even during class. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it, until later. I must be getting really stressed... Got an appointment with Dr. Despinos coming up, so that might help.  

Yeah, Still Doing This

I guess I should say sorry to Future-Me for the big time gap. Despinos decided to ask about the blog, and I had to tell him that I had, uh, forgotten about it. I was kind of in a bad place when I put that last post up anyway. You understand and stuff. Anyway, therapy is a bitch as always. I've never been one to air my dirty laundry to others, but that's what we're paying for, so I better just suck it up. Moving on is a slow and painful process, or Dr Despinos tells me.

Bought a new harmonica today. Turns out I'm not as rusty as I thought I'd be, which is pretty nice. Gives me a weapon against Carlos for the time being, since he seems to hate harmonicas. I don't really blame him though. Poor guy has obviously been musically impaired for a while, given the (c)rap he listens to on a daily basis. He might never understand that shit like that isn't real music. Now that, is real tragedy.

Something else to look back on and either laugh or scowl at, Future-Me. College homework is surprisingly easy. The crap in high school seems more difficult than this stuff! High school me could breeze though this stuff, and I was a complete idiot back then. Now that studying has become a priority, this stuff just feels really, really easy. But it probably does get harder, and you would know all about that Future-Me. So, maybe have a good laugh at how naive I am right now. Could use a bit of laughter.

Oh. And I visit the Judge in a couple days. Looking forward to that.

I Guess there is a Second Post

You know, I was kind of hoping both me and Doctor Despinos would forget about this whole blog thing. But we aren't that lucky are we, future me? Because, really, I am hoping only future me will ever find this stupid thing. Or maybe I should write like I have some kind of invisible audience? Maybe that will make it more tolerable? Or maybe it will completely defeat the purpose of this thing. I dunno, I'm not the therapist here. Page views show that no one but me has been looking, so thats good. I figured Doctor Despinos might try and see for himself, but I guess not.

You know what I hate? I hate Rabbits. I really, really hate rabbits. They shit everywhere! So naturally, I would have room with the guy with a pet rabbit. Future-Me, you remember Carlos right? I hope to God you don't. That might mean we remained friends in the far future, and that can't be good for my reputation. Unless he dropped the magician act? That could make him more tolerable. Then, again, I suppose the only thing he might drop the magic hobby for is being a non-ironic clown, which I don't think are currently a thing anymore. At least, I hope not. Creepy guys. You never know if any of them could be a past, present or future Gacy.

OK so I guess the magic thing isn't that bad. At least it makes kids laugh and smile instead of crapping their pants in sheer terror. Uh... What else... Classes were boring and uneventful. Criminal Justice looks to be going about as well as we had hoped, but you would know better Future-Me.

Oh and that's nice. Timberwolves outside doing stupid shit. Meaning that idiot fraternity, not actual wolves, Future-Me, in case you forgot. I can't actually remember what their name really is. Don't really care to, either. Like most fraternities, they are just a bunch of loud, drunk, morons. Kind of reminds me of Mom, now that I think about it.