Christmas

Merry Christmas, Future-Me.

Feeling a little better now. Still weak, but that migraine I have had for the past few days is finally gone. I'm eating better as well. Huh. Maybe Santa decided to give me my health back for Christmas. Been watching the old Batman cartoon for the past few days. Great show. Though I can't say I was really able to pay attention to it until today. I just felt so unfocused these past few days. Barely gotten out of bed at all, except to finish decorating my room with drawings.

Actually, you know what just occurred to me? I have no idea why I even bothered sticking these drawings up on the walls like that. They are just basically the same thing I have been drawing since I watched MarbleHornets. They are not the pinnacle of high art, if you know what I mean. It just felt... Right, at the time, to put them up like that. I can't even remember doing some of them... But, well, I have been drawing them for the past month and a half. I guess that's to be expected, but still. Don't know why this never struck me as odd before.

Got money for Christmas, as usual. Judge came by again, and apparently Mom and Dad did not tell him about the whole sleep walking thing, or my sickness. Wasn't very happy with any of us, when he found out. He is now insisting that he takes me to the doctor tomorrow. Probably the smartest idea, all things considered. He honestly seemed pretty pissed at Mom and Dad. Not sure what he expected them to do, knowing them.

Another brown and gray Christmas, 23 years and running.  

Home

Back home again. Still no snow. Probably won't be any snow on Christmas either. Someday... I will have a white Christmas. It probably won't be nearly as magical as I think it'll be, but it has always been something I wanted to see. Just no friggen point in having a winter without snow. The dead trees outside are depressing as hell. It is quiet though, out there, and that is something some people find enjoyable, I guess. The woods are never as quiet as they are during winter. I know people find it to be peaceful, serene and wonderful to be alone with nothing but the music of their own thoughts. To me, though, it just seems like I'm walking through a graveyard, and my thoughts become anything but peaceful and quiet.

Mom and Dad heard what happened at the college. They asked me about it, but... It looked pretty obvious that they only bothered because that is what parents should do. It isn't like they really knew what to say, after all. But that's the way with them. Anything goes wrong and all they can respond with is a simple "That sucks" and move on. They have never had any solutions to a problem, and don't seem to have ever even considered actively trying to comfort me. Despinos told me... That I probably crave the comfort and attention that they never gave me. I guess that makes sense, but I look around and see so many others that resent the attention their parents give them. Call it "Smothering." So am I really missing all that much?

Judge came by as well. Obviously he found out about the death, and was checking on me. I'm fine. I'm just fine. He didn't press the subject either, which I am thankful for. Pointless to talk about it at this point. Besides, I don't want to make him worry. He has other things he could be focusing on, much more important than my problems. I'm fine.

Thanksgiving

Happy frickin Thanksgiving.

Back at home for once. Place is still a dump, with way too much useless clutter. I am surprised we never ended up on that show about Hoarders. Maybe someday... I wonder if the shame of it would make Mom and Dad do something about it. They would probably just enjoy the attention.

At least they seem to be relatively clean at the moment, though I bet they cleaned up a good bit before I came home. I wonder if they thought of that themselves, or if Judge reminded them? How the hell is Dad Judge's brother? We would all be better off if he acted more like it. Judge or not, if they weren't helping pay for College, I would not have bothered coming back. Speaking of which, guess where their priorities were? Girls and parties. They were more interested in my social life than what actually matters. Just fucking typical. Still, I didn't flip out on them like I thought I might, which is good. I owe to Judge not to mess things up any further.

Ah... I thought complaining on this thing was supposed to make me feel better. Instead I've got a splitting headache. Or maybe it was the food. Judge insisted we cook this year, but it turns out none of us are actually good at it. Surprise, surprise, right?

Being away from home for so long... I really though, I might miss it, or parts of it at least. But I don't. My room is the same, just as I left it... But it really isn't home anymore. I feel... Awake now. Everything is just so much clearer. I can see this place for what is is, without those years of comforting familiarity and nostalgia blinding me. Yeah... I guess being away from home really did change my views.

Heh. Another thing being away from home opened my eyes to is just how friggen creepy the woods are around here. Took a walk though them a couple hours ago, and I really don't know how I managed it before. I have walked through those woods a hundred times, or much more, and I have never felt this level of unease. Every single branch I pushed aside felt like... Well. I guess it... Well it makes sense. I wonder why Mom or Dad was out there, though? I found a full bottle of their whiskey just laying beside a tree. They need to stop drinking, especially if they're wandering out into the woods while drunk.

Heading back tomorrow. Looking forward to it...

Oh. I might as well make a note for the continuation of the fucked up dreams saga. Nothing as severe as the one on Sunday, but ever since then I have been having a different dream, over and over again. The sound of running water, and the feeling of grass on my cheek. Nothing else. I don't even remember any visuals this time. I guess... I will tell Despinos about these next time I talk to him. I know what these dreams actually mean...

Fucking Failure

Dear Diary. I fucked it up! I fucking fucked it up!!!!

An 88! A fucking 88! I took the test, and I absolutely failed it. A fucking 88... This was an easy test. Simplest thing in the world. Wrote Memorization. Nothing more. And I missed so goddamn many it cost me a letter grade.

This was bound to happen... I haven't been sleeping well lately, for no real reason. Just a lot of tossing and turning and my body flat out refuses to sleep more than 3 hours a night... And I'm doodling during class instead of taking notes. Fucking Slender Man. Fucking MarbleHornets. I shouldn't have watched it. Its fucked me up. I wasn't scared, I'm not scared now... But it affected me somehow. And between it and Thanksgiving... Fuck Fuck Fuck. The Judge is going to be disappointed. I fucking let him down... I let everyone down and I can't be failing like this again. I am not going to fail again. Fucking up is not an option, period. I have to be perfect.  

Family

Back from the Judge's and he's doing fine. If there's one thing I cannot stand about college, it's how hard it makes it to visit the Judge. Best parent I never had, barring some big life changing event that makes Mom and Dad worth a damn. Not likely, is it Future-Me? I hope the Judge is still around whenever your reading this. I really don't get it, though, how did Judge turn out the way he did, while Dad became the exact opposite? Never gonna ask that question to Judge or Dad, though. Gotta be a happy family, sane, normal and happy.

Anyway we didn't talk too much about what happened last year, so that was nice. I mostly just talked to him about school, and my "peers." Evidently he wants me to try and pick up some magic tricks from Carlos, but I'd rather not have Carlos calling me as his padawan, or Teller, or whatever. That would be just embarrassing. He does want me to start being a bit more social, since college is supposed when you form all sorts of lasting friendships and stuff. Promised him I would go to the next big party, gathering thing I get invited to.

I wonder if Judge ever gets married? Future-Me, seriously, start encouraging him if he isn't. He'd be a great Dad, and he really doesn't deserve this kind of loneliness, especially now that I am no longer his de facto son.

He did want me to visit Mom and Dad though. I... Probably won't before Thanksgiving, though. Certainly don't want to interrupt their parties, no sir. Besides, given everything, I really don't want to be around them and alcohol, and you know Dad's drinking problem isn't going to go away just because I ask. Judge knows that too, but he really wants me to maintain a relationship with Mom and Dad. He shouldn't worry, so much. I'll probably keep some ties to them, if only for his sake. Though I guess I should try bugging them about actually handing out candy this year, since Halloween is just a week away.

I'll just do it tomorrow.