Go Away

OK, I don't even know how to make this blog Private, or even if you can do that, but I do fucking know how to check the view count, and I do every single fucking time I come on here, just to be sure. I know someone stumbled across this, so I am asking you. Please Go Away. This is meant to be a private blog to express my thoughts and feelings after a traumatic incident, as ordered by my Therapist. It wasn't even my idea to begin with, I just decided to go along with it because my therapist told me it might help. OK? So please go away. I know you have visited this blog multiple times, whoever you are, and I know you aren't my Therapist, because I asked him. So really, please... This is some sensitive stuff here.  

Thanksgiving

Happy frickin Thanksgiving.

Back at home for once. Place is still a dump, with way too much useless clutter. I am surprised we never ended up on that show about Hoarders. Maybe someday... I wonder if the shame of it would make Mom and Dad do something about it. They would probably just enjoy the attention.

At least they seem to be relatively clean at the moment, though I bet they cleaned up a good bit before I came home. I wonder if they thought of that themselves, or if Judge reminded them? How the hell is Dad Judge's brother? We would all be better off if he acted more like it. Judge or not, if they weren't helping pay for College, I would not have bothered coming back. Speaking of which, guess where their priorities were? Girls and parties. They were more interested in my social life than what actually matters. Just fucking typical. Still, I didn't flip out on them like I thought I might, which is good. I owe to Judge not to mess things up any further.

Ah... I thought complaining on this thing was supposed to make me feel better. Instead I've got a splitting headache. Or maybe it was the food. Judge insisted we cook this year, but it turns out none of us are actually good at it. Surprise, surprise, right?

Being away from home for so long... I really though, I might miss it, or parts of it at least. But I don't. My room is the same, just as I left it... But it really isn't home anymore. I feel... Awake now. Everything is just so much clearer. I can see this place for what is is, without those years of comforting familiarity and nostalgia blinding me. Yeah... I guess being away from home really did change my views.

Heh. Another thing being away from home opened my eyes to is just how friggen creepy the woods are around here. Took a walk though them a couple hours ago, and I really don't know how I managed it before. I have walked through those woods a hundred times, or much more, and I have never felt this level of unease. Every single branch I pushed aside felt like... Well. I guess it... Well it makes sense. I wonder why Mom or Dad was out there, though? I found a full bottle of their whiskey just laying beside a tree. They need to stop drinking, especially if they're wandering out into the woods while drunk.

Heading back tomorrow. Looking forward to it...

Oh. I might as well make a note for the continuation of the fucked up dreams saga. Nothing as severe as the one on Sunday, but ever since then I have been having a different dream, over and over again. The sound of running water, and the feeling of grass on my cheek. Nothing else. I don't even remember any visuals this time. I guess... I will tell Despinos about these next time I talk to him. I know what these dreams actually mean...

Nightmare

Had a very, very, unpleasant nightmare last night. I can't even remember how long its been since I have had a nightmare, or any dream, that I can actually remember. But man... This one was vivid. Never felt anything like it...

It started with me in the dorm, at night, with all the lights out. I was in my bed and I heard something moving around in the room. It wasn't Carlos, because I heard him stir around a bit in his bed, which was to my right. It wasn't his rabbit, because it was definitely in its cage, beside Carlos' bed, and the sound was definitely... Something bigger. No, no... this sound was coming from the front of the dorm. It was pitch black in the room, and I just... Couldn't move. I remember my eyes were open, but my body completely refused to move, no matter how badly I wanted to go for the lamp. As I was trying to call out to Carlos I noticed something different about the dark I was staring up at. Like it got even deeper and darker, and I was staring into these two big ovals of blackness. I couldn't hear anything anymore, except my own breathing and my heartbeat pounding in my ears. It was like these big, horrible eyes in the dark staring down into mine, and I was just... Helpless. I felt these cold, damp, fingers on my face, and they were just... strange. Joints in the fingers were... Well... Strange, is the really best way I can put it. They didn't feel like normal fingers, too rough to be skin and they were... long and thin. I felt the hand tighten its grip and force some of those freakish fingers into my mouth and throat. I didn't feel any sort of gag reflex, I was not choking, but I knew they were in there, and I still couldn't move no matter how bad I wanted to... And I wanted to really, really, badly. My entire body felt like it was screaming to move, but my muscles just refused. I remember this really pungent odor, but... Beyond it being sweet, I can't... really place it. Then the dark ovals, those eyes staring down at me, started getting bigger for a minute, like they were closer... almost eclipsing the dark of the room, and then... Suddenly they were gone, and so were the fingers down my throat.

I was just sitting there in the dark of my room, listening to my heart beat and wondering what the fuck just happened. Then suddenly the light turned on and Carlos says "Good Morning" to me all cheery, before looking at me funny for already being awake. I could move again, and I'm actually awake. Legit awake. It was a... Pretty freaky dream. I even checked to see that the doors and windows were still locked, and yes they were. Right now I am just wondering what a nightmare like that could mean? Dreams do mean stuff, right? I usually like to think so... In this case, I just hope the ramen I ate was bad or something. Well, here's hoping it won't happen again tonight, because I have shit to do tomorrow, and these kinds of dreams just really... Really drain me for the entire day. I can't afford for that crap to get in the way.

I guess it's just... There is just one thing that's really still bothering me about that nightmare... I don't remember ever waking up.

Families

Thanksgiving is nearly upon us. Was hanging out with Carlos, Kase and Kruger and they all started talking about it. Carlos seems pretty happy about seeing his family. His full, extended family. So they seem to be pretty tight knit, supportive and fond of one another. Sounds like a dream family. Really is a good creed to have. "Family above all." I mean, who can you rely on if not your family? They are your everything, and you give everything you have for them. Do everything to ease conflict and make it all work. Because it can all work, everyone just has to put in the effort. You know? Anything can be fixed, if you just... Say the right things, do the right things.

As for Kruger and Kase, Kruger seemed more interested in the food his family was going to make for Thanksgiving. Some kind of family recipe for a pudding. Kase was unusually quiet, even for him, about the whole thing. Evidently his family is pretty large like Carlos', but spread very far apart. Which means they don't really bother celebrating Thanksgiving together. Still, seemed like there was something bothering him, but I didn't feel like it was my place to pry.

As for Me? Of course I kept quiet about Thanksgiving. It'll just be me, The Judge, Mom and Dad. I just hope I can leave early.  

More Therapy

Therapy with Dr. Despinos today. I mentioned my earlier fuck up, and he tried to convince me that I don't need to be perfect in everything I do. He's right, yeah... But I need to try. Need to keep the bar set high, because I can't afford to slip anymore. When I fuck up, I fuck up bad.... That much is clear. So I can't let myself do this friggen bad. I owe it to Judge, I owe it to Mom and Dad, despite everything, I owe it Carlos, I owe it to... And I owe it to myself.

He also recommended that I make an effort to stop doodling Slender Man pictures, because I seem to be in a bad place again. Dark and disturbing shit probably isn't good for me at this point in time. It makes sense, it really does. I'm gonna try. Yeah, I will.

Its just... For some reason it feels so good to do all that doodling. Its like it... Calms me down a lot. Helps me focus a lot... I mean... Notes were only part of the problem. If I had been getting more sleep, I would have been fine.

Fucking Failure

Dear Diary. I fucked it up! I fucking fucked it up!!!!

An 88! A fucking 88! I took the test, and I absolutely failed it. A fucking 88... This was an easy test. Simplest thing in the world. Wrote Memorization. Nothing more. And I missed so goddamn many it cost me a letter grade.

This was bound to happen... I haven't been sleeping well lately, for no real reason. Just a lot of tossing and turning and my body flat out refuses to sleep more than 3 hours a night... And I'm doodling during class instead of taking notes. Fucking Slender Man. Fucking MarbleHornets. I shouldn't have watched it. Its fucked me up. I wasn't scared, I'm not scared now... But it affected me somehow. And between it and Thanksgiving... Fuck Fuck Fuck. The Judge is going to be disappointed. I fucking let him down... I let everyone down and I can't be failing like this again. I am not going to fail again. Fucking up is not an option, period. I have to be perfect.  

Stress

Uneventful few days this time. Feeling a hell of a lot better now, no sore bones and muscles. Even better, Thanksgiving break is getting really close. Of course that is also the bad news in a sense. I really don't want to deal with Mom and Dad right now.... Just felt on edge all week. Guess its something warning me about this Thanksgiving... Just the worst kind of gut feeling.

Something weird. I have been doodling a lot of pictures of The Operator, or The Slender Man I guess. Just these weird little doodles and Operator Symbols and just... Slender Man stick figures. Gonna call him Slender Man. "The Operator" just isn't as catchy. I guess watching MarbleHornets left more of an impression on me than I thought. I'm just doodling them at random, even during class. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it, until later. I must be getting really stressed... Got an appointment with Dr. Despinos coming up, so that might help.  

I am an Idiot

Dear Diary, I did something stupid today.

Future-Me, do you remember that nice 30 foot drop into a small creek near the woods? Future-Me, do you remember that time one of the local kids Carlos was entertaining accidentally dropped a goddamn doll over that drop, and it landed on top a tree? Yeah. Fun times. I really would have thought my body would have recovered from my injuries a bit more by now, but I hurt like hell! Everything that was broken is now insanely sore again, and I don't know why. I just climbed a tree. That was it. It shouldn't make me feel fresh out of the hospital.

At least the girl was happy to have it back, though her Mom might be more reluctant to let her come watch the Amazing Carlos eat fire and blow it out in front of a group of children. She just freaked out for no reason and bolted away from the "scary man." That is probably the biggest compliment anyone has ever given Carlos. "Scary." He looks like a goober even without the magician outfit. Maybe she was expecting Harry Potter or something?

Actually that might be above her reading level, now that I think about it.

Carlos seems just depressed about the whole thing, though. Real perfectionist about his performing, and kids are his favorite audience. I told him he can't please everyone, and there will always be some oddballs in the audience that don't think he is entertaining or... Thinks he consorts with Satan or something, to get his magic powers. Because the kid really did look scared.

Maybe I should tell Carlos to knock off the fire breathing and eating around kids that young. For now, I am going the fuck to sleep and hopefully not feel like garbage when I wake up.