Had a session with Dr. Despinos again today. In regards to a...
Failed suicide attempt. I had to get my stomach pumped due to downing
a bottle of sleeping pills. We discussed what happened in that...
Place. I called it a nightmare, obviously. But I gotta confess, I
left something out in the last post. A big part. For me, maybe the
most important part of all, for my entire life.
How does He know these things? This isn't... It wasn't something I
talk about. I thought I had already said enough, but the truth is...
Until the day I die, nothing I say or do will ever make it go away,
or change what was done. What I did. Seeing that blood slowly flowing
down the creek... Seeing my old car again, wrapped around that tree.
Seeing that... Mutilated husk, sitting in that seat, shredded by
glass, metal and bark. It was the same as it was in my nightmares,
exactly how I remember him from that night... And then there was that
tree. That creek carried his blood deep into its maw, feeding an
atrocity. A godless creation that sprouted from the deepest depths of
the furthest reaches of madness and evil themselves, with its weeping
face oozing the blood of its rotting "fruits" dangling
lifelessly from its leafless limbs.
One day, I know, I will join them there.
But it won't be now. I will not die now, I will not die alone, and I
will be the last of us to die young, if it comes to that. I
swear it on Alec's grave.
Shit, kid, what did I say? You gotta keep your head on your side, and that means not killing yourself with goddamn GUILT. Too many fucking people kill themselves every day with that thinking, and it needs to end NOW. You think that's what Alec would have wanted? I mean, fine. I don't know shit about anything, and maybe I shouldn't preach (God knows I have enough guilt of my own) but that shit burrows its root DEEP. You can't let it rule you, or it will find a way to kill you. Or someone else you care about.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to say what happened wasn't your fault. Judging from how you react to just the TOPIC of alcohol, I'm going to throw a random dart and be the smart little detective. DUI, right, kid? Yes, you were stupid. But young = stupid. It happens all the damn time, and each time is just as much of a tragedy as the last. Because most of them are kids just like you probably were. Full of life and unable to even process that they weren't invincible. That it COULD be them one day, being handcuffed or lifted up into an ambulance. Or zipped into a body bag. There is not one thing about the entire topic that hasn't been said before.
But you, kiddo?
You learned from it.
For that. Kudos.
I've seen what happens far too many times to those that don't.
I believe that death brings peace. I have to believe that it will be an end to all of this, and suicide is a means to that blissful nothingness. So I'm not going to tell you that you were wrong to try to kill yourself because that would make me a hypocrite. I understand that suicide is an answer.
ReplyDeleteBut I don't think it's the answer you want.
What the fuck is wrong with you?! An answer? Do you ever know what suicide is? Its not just self inflicted death!
DeleteIts that moment when you buckle under the weight of your own insecurities and fears. That moment when the cut deepest and root into your very soul. You assume your death to be self inflicted but if it was self inflicted you wouldn't need a reason. The cause is the reason and the reason is your Fear. The monster feeding off of your weakness!
Suicide is the moment when that fear swallows you whole. When you go without a fight as your body buckles under your spirits failing. And with no spirit to resist, they'll never let you go.
In death there is only fear! And for our failings, there can be no escape. If you can't handle them is this world where their power is limited, how can you ever hope to face them in the next where they are boundless?
Take heart Gray, for this is the best of all possible world... and our time in it is fleeting.
@Gray ...Kid. Shut up.
Delete@Je-Ji-Jack. First off, your name is a bitch to write once you've had a few. Secondly, well said.
Smarter people than you would have just went with Jack!
DeleteBe nice dip shit. Ex-Agent Alex is a friend.
DeleteI drink. Common sense doesn't apply. If you have a problem with that, please press 1 and spin on it.
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DeleteOh shit. You're fuck. Not fucked over and doomed to fail. Its happened. You saw it. You're fucked.
ReplyDeleteI can already see the ending. You already declared it child. There's not a man alive that can resist it's compulsion. Mark your own words and find truth. Know the misery you will harbing forth unto others.